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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28233210">it's okay to be scared, as long as you admit to it</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/honey_S2/pseuds/honey_S2'>honey_S2</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Gintama</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Gintoki has a fight-or-flight response towards affection, Gintoki has an ego and he's scared but he'll be ok, Honesty is the best policy, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Takasugi is such a patient boyfriend, With a little bit of fluff, confessions during arguments, mental issues</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 01:20:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,661</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28233210</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/honey_S2/pseuds/honey_S2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Gintoki and Takasugi are already lovers (roughly), but Gintoki avoids the affection and care Takasugi is ready to give.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sakata Gintoki/Takasugi Shinsuke, Takasugi Shinsuke/Sakata Gintoki</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Gintama Mini Secret Santa 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>it's okay to be scared, as long as you admit to it</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roy/gifts">Roy</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This fic includes the idea of revived altana Takasugi.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Takasugi woke to the sound of hushed breaths and the feel of a cold futon.</p>
<p>It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the dark, but he heard, before he saw, the soft and quick breaths coming from next to him. Then came the rough silhouette of Gintoki, sitting up in bed, head trapped in his hands.</p>
<p>Takasugi sighed. It was one of those nights again, then.</p>
<p>Gintoki was shaking. Breath harsh and short, pupils dilated. His eyes were colored crimson, glazed over, frantically tracing the cracks and burns on his palm over and over as if he was expecting blood to be dripping off of them. And though his lips stayed silent, there seemed to be names in his tongue, held preciously as if he were afraid of losing them. Every time he wet his lips, soft, barely-there words left him, much smaller than a breath and too quiet for Takasugi to hear.</p>
<p>It was hard, to watch him like this. To see the man whom he had loved all his life crumble at the seams. Yet, all Takasugi could do was to rub his tired eyes, light a candle, and turn towards him. Place a hand on his shaking shoulders, whisper a silent, <em>are you okay?</em> into his ears. Watch him snatch his head up, look at him as if he wanted to say something, anything… Only for him to give up and smile. The forced smile that Takasugi hated.</p>
<p>“… I’ll be … alright. Sleep some more.”</p>
<p>His voice was desperate, soft. Unsure. More of a question, than a statement. And then he left the bed, cold and empty, as he always did.</p>
<p>There was a sound of their front door opening, and quick footsteps.</p>
<p>Takasugi knew that he would not be able to sleep tonight.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Lovers, he supposed, would be one way to the describe the relationship that they had.</p>
<p>Ever since Takasugi had been brought back to life, and grown up to the age he once had been in, they had begun living together in a distant suburb. It was a silent agreement, muted but mutual. They would kiss, fuck, have breakfast in the morning, hold each other in restless nights, but there would be no whispered confessions of love. If he got too close, Gintoki would make sure that he actively pushed Takasugi away.</p>
<p>With what he had gone through, Takasugi was not afraid to wait for him. But after nights like these, he wondered, if Gintoki would never have the courage to break down his own walls.</p>
<p>If so, there was only one other way left.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>When Gintoki came back, it was an hour past sunrise.</p>
<p>Sunlight, softly shone through the paper-padded windowsill, danced about Gintoki’s bright hair as he made his way from the door to their kitchen. He was half-covered in snow, nose and cheeks flushed red from the cold, with a plastic bag in his hands. Takasugi, idly reading a newspaper from his place sitting on the floor, had been awake for hours. As soon as he heard the soft <em>tap tap tap</em> of his foot, Takasugi had started to follow him with his eyes, careful and judging. Gintoki was yawning, as if nothing had happened, but Takasugi knew better than to fall for his façade.</p>
<p>“Gintoki.”</p>
<p>“Hm?”</p>
<p>“Are you alright?”</p>
<p>There was a small pause, as Gintoki stopped in front the refrigerator.</p>
<p>“I’m fine,” He soon replied. “I got some milk, you know. You said we needed more.”</p>
<p>Takasugi was sharp enough to notice the detour of subject. With a swift outtake of breath, Takasugi stood up and made his way towards Gintoki, setting down the pipe near the counter. As he accepted the plastic bag, heavy with milk and who-knows-what, Takasugi’s eyes closely followed Gintoki’s movements. Quick, but awkward. Gauging what that meant. What it meant for their relationship, as well.</p>
<p>“We need to talk about yesterday, Gintoki.”</p>
<p>He didn’t seem to have expected the words from Takasugi. He moment they left his mouth, he froze, in the midst of reaching into the fridge. Soon, he regained his nonchalant mask, shrugging his shoulders as if they were talking about a neighbor’s cat. “No, we do not,” He replied, stubborn as always. “And, we also need more yogurt– “</p>
<p>“You’ve been avoiding this for a while now,” But Takasugi was as well as, if not more stubborn. He at least knew that about himself. He took a step towards his, <em>lover</em>, grabbing him by the shoulder. Gintoki turned reluctantly, eyes looking everywhere but him.</p>
<p>“… I haven’t been, chibi.”</p>
<p>“You have.”</p>
<p>“No, I- “</p>
<p>“Yes, you have. I would know better.”</p>
<p>There was a frustrated sigh, as Gintoki brushed away his hair from his face. “…Well, I’ll have you know, even if I have been, you don’t need to care,” The reply was a bit more venomous this time, his voice feigning annoyance. There was a moment of silence, where neither of them spoke, the air tense like almost-lit explosives. Gintoki let out yet another breath, soft but sure, wetting his lips as if things were over while Takasugi searched for his moment to strike without causing too much damage.</p>
<p>“Gintoki, I have the right to care for you.”</p>
<p>He waited for the anger to settle in. For Gintoki to collect his thoughts. These emotions were okay, ones that Takasugi would prefer Gintoki to show.</p>
<p>“I don’t know why you wouldn’t drop the subject, Takasugi-kun.” His tone was mocking, as he called him the little nickname Takasugi hated, “I’m sure you don’t have to hear me tell you that no, you don’t. Who do you think you – “</p>
<p>“Because I love you.”</p>
<p>It was blunt, but that was how Takasugi was, and would always be to Gintoki. “You need to hear it, and you know you do. You’re scared of me caring for you, of me loving you, Gintoki. At least admit to me that you are.”</p>
<p>To that, there was a long pause. Takasugi carefully watched his expression change as he spoke, once again. “You know that I love you. I need you to accept that fact.”</p>
<p>Gintoki seemed perplexed, almost drawn aback. Then, his face morphed into an expression of utter fear, leaving a painful squeeze in Takasugi’s chest. A sense of horror, frosting over his eyes, freezing over his inner workings, erasing any facial expression left to a complete blank. This was the flight-or-flight response that Gintoki so often used, and Takasugi almost heard his words before they tumbled out of his mouth.</p>
<p>“You can’t,” he said, voice cold yet fragile like chipped ice. “You <em>can’t</em>, Takasugi. Love... me." </p>
<p>There was yet again a long pause, as Gintoki bit his lip. There seemed to be something he wanted to say, but then he decided against it, shutting the refrigerator. He stormed towards the door, brushing Takasugi, muttering something about forgetting groceries. There was a forced smile, almost like one that would reassure a child.</p>
<p>But Takasugi knew, the child he was reassuring was not him, but Gintoki himself.</p>
<p>“…Don’t wait for me. I’ll be late.”</p>
<p>That was why Takasugi would wait. As long as he needed, he would wait.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>It was half past midnight when the door opened, revealing a Gintoki caked in snow.</p>
<p>Takasugi, who had moved to the chair facing the door, put a bookmark to the book that he was reading. Carefully watched as the man hobbled in, face once again flushed with cold, with his arms full of what seemed suspiciously like a bag of taiyaki buns.</p>
<p>“… You didn't have to wait,” he called softly, noticing Takasugi’s presence before he even got used to the darkness of the indoors. Takasugi shrugged as he stood up, once again, to accept the bag in his arms. It was warm, as if Gintoki had held onto it in his arms the whole way back.</p>
<p>“I wanted to.”</p>
<p>There was no answer. Gintoki stayed silent as Takasugi took his coat, as he put away the warm buns, as he stripped away Gintoki’s yukata to change him for the night. It was only when they had settled in their futons when Gintoki finally opened his mouth, broken stutters leaving them.</p>
<p>“I…” Takasugi waited, once again, as Gintoki seemed to choose the right words. He wet his mouth, shut it, and opened it again, his hands showing the anxiousness he felt, until he seemed to settle. Then, he looked at Takasugi, with a soft look that Takasugi would never get used to, just like when he had closed his eyes on him, or just like when Shoyou’s death had left him in tears. “Takasugi. You know how much of a, coward I am. And that I... love you, too." </p>
<p>“I do,” Takasugi replied. Gintoki let out an anxious laugh at that, twiddling with his fingers. It took him yet another minute, collecting his thoughts, as he spoke the following words.</p>
<p>“I’ve lost everything I love for all of my life. And it’s hard for me to let myself understand that... caring for someone wouldn’t hurt them. Especially if it’s… <em>you</em>.”</p>
<p>Takasugi felt his heart ache a little at that. With a small sigh, Gintoki reached for his hand, and Takasugi made sure that he held it very tight as he brought the twined fingers to his lips. Gintoki moved his fingers, tracing the soft surface, until he pulled him into a hesitant kiss. Then, he let his final words out, a soft, quiet breath that was almost too small to hear.</p>
<p>“It's really hard for me to say, but. Would you stay with me, tonight?”</p>
<p>There was no more need for a spoken answer, as Takasugi hugged him tight, encased him into his arms. He knew, he would make sure to do just that. He would stay the rest of the night, and the day after that and a hundred years ahead of them, just next to him. And he would wait yet another hundred, if it meant that Gintoki would be okay.</p>
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